is back....

For anyone that doesn't know, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker was declared extinct in 1991 because of loss of habitat. It's quit sad when you think about all the animals and plants that we have killed off to expand our lives. We take over things and move or kill out what's in our way. It's sad.

But, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker was sighted just a couple days ago in Arkansas.The woodpecker is 19 1/2" long. My Bio. teacher was very excited about this, we just learned about all the extinct and endangered species. So that is just some good news. Just thought that I would share that fact with everyone. Here is a couple pictures of the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker.

This song is so damn funny and it brings back a lot of memories. It really makes me miss basketball. Now some people may wonder why this song would make me miss basketball...well, this was the song that we ran out to when I was a junior. We had 7 girls on the team, well 8 including Jill when I got hurt, but one girl on our team LOVES country and she started singing this song and it turned into this big joke between all of us. Everyone used to sing it. It was great. I really miss all 7 of those girls a lot. 4 are away at college and the other 3 sadly enough I've lost contact with. I miss basketball a lot. I've been thinking about it a lot too. I wish that I could go back to that year just to play ball. We had an AWESOME team, the only bad thing was we all took our turns getting hurt in the season, so we never really got to play as a team! It was sad, but that's just the way it is. I wish that I never got hurt in the first place..I would say the only good thing about me getting hurt was we got Jill on out team and I got to know her a lot better. She is so funny, just a really nice girl. Then she left to go to Germany my senior year. So unfortunetly she didn't get to play basketball with me my last year. It would have been great to have her on the team, she would have been a real asset to our team.

By: Kenny Chesney

Plowing these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken and a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
Open up a throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face she ain't a foolin me

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

We ride back and forth until we run out of light
Take it to the barn put it up for the night
Climb up in the loft sit and talk with the radio on
She said she's got a dream and I asked what it is
She wants a little farm and a yard full of kids
One more teeny weeny ride before take her home

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

Well she ain't into cars or pick up trucks
But if it runs like a Deere man her eyes light up

She thinks my tractor's....

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

She thinks my tractor's sexy
She thinks my tractor's sexy

I've been listening to a lot of country lately and I heard this song and it reminded me of Shawn-Dell. She sang this song for Star Search Finals and WON!! Hell ya!! She is awesome at singing..wow!! Besides that she is one of the coolest people that I know. She is so damn funny. She is one of my best friends..you just got to love her...and especially since she sang this song live at 5AM!! I remember that that day she sang she came back to school after lunch where they had the tape of her singing at the lunch lines so everyone could see. It was awesome and she deserves the recognition she got for it.

By: The Dixie Chicks

He pushed me 'round
Now I'm drawin' the line
He lived his life
Now I'm gonna go live mine
I'm sick of wastin' my time
Well now I've been good for way too long

Found my red dress and I'm gonna throw it on
'Bout to get too far gone
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of my twelve ounce nutrition
One more helpin' of what I've been havin'
I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon
On a mission to make something happen


Feel like Deliah lookin' for Samson
Do a little mattress dancin'
That's right I said mattress dancin'
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more
Of what I've been missin'
I don't know where I'll be crashin'
But I'm arrivin' on a sin wagon


When it's my turn to march up to glory
I'm gonna have one hell of a story
That's if he forgives me
Oh Lord Please forgive me
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of that sweet salvation
They may take me
With my feet draggin'
But I'll fly away on a sin wagon

By: The Dixie Chicks

Two days past eighteen
He was waitin' for the bus in his army greens
Sat down in a booth a café there
Gave his order to the girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gave him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talkin' to me I'm feelin' a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I've got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you?

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin home

So the letters came
From an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love
And all of the things he was so scared of
Said when it's gettin kinda rough over here
I think about that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for a while

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's coming home


One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For the list of local Vietnam dead
Cryin' all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and no body really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin

I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin home

Matt, it's sad that you are doing this. Don't write about me. There are so many things that I could say and want to say, but I'm not going to sink down to your level. You really need to grow up and start taking your own advice. Don't bitch at Christina for her basically saying STOP the DRAMA! Because that is all you were doing! You and I both know that Christina wasn't trying to start anything, all she was doing was trying to stop what you are trying to start. It's sad to me to see that you treat her with such little respect and yell at her on your diary thing. You just have NO class Matt. None what so ever. That's all I have to say about you for now.

Now you can take this for what it's worth. I know that you will most likely respond to this and be an ass and try to tear me down and all that and that is fine, it won't surprise me or really anyone for that matter. I don't want to fight with you or anyone else. We don't like each other and that is fine. You think you have reason to hate me, fine. I have reason not to like you and you just keep prooving my point. So please don't talk to me and don't write about me or Jordan and everything will be good. So you said your done, good, hopefully this time you will actually do what you say.

Lauren, I hope that you aren't mad at me, this had nothing to do with you at all. I wouldn't think anyone else would be mad and if you are just let me know. I don't want to fight. Just let it end.

This weekend was VERY interesting! I had a blast. Of course Jordan came up on Thursday! It was really nice to see him. I miss him SOOO much when he's gone during the week, but I understand that he has to go. Soon enough we won't have to deal with the distance anymore!:wink: :D Then Jordan's family came up.

Friday we hung out and talked with his family. Then Saturday was SOOOO much fun. Fallon ended up calling me at Jordan's house. We were watching his little sister. She came over and we hung out and talked. I hadn't seen Fallon in a long ass time. We've talked, but I've been busy with school and Jordan and she's been busy with Jesse and work. But we went out to Boyne Mountain for the Crazy Day's thing. It was a lot of fun. It was more of a side party than the actually party. Fallon and I watched a couple of guys slide down the hill on a sled so we decided to do it too. We were on a plastic sled that just fit us. Fallon was wearing some guys goggles because in the front of the sled you get sprayed the worst. So here we are sitting on the black diamond ski hill and we are about to go down it. Granted we weren't all the way at the top, about half way or more. We sat on the hill forever. We were just laughing and laughing about something that happened earlier. Then we were like, ummm this doesn't seem to be the best idea..but we were like what the hell, it will be fun. So I let go of my feet and off we go!! We went SOOOOOOOO fuckin fast down the hill. We almost took out a kid playing on the hill. At first I was like this isn't so bad..then the farther down we got the worst it got. Fallon and I were laughing and laughing then screaming. Fallon was getting sprayed in the face by all the snow. Then it was coming over her on to me. It was great. At the end of the hill where we are trying to stop, I had to stand up and get off the sled because I was sitting on snow, NOT the sled anymore. Fallon was completely covered in snow. We were both soaking wet, completely numb, but it was AWESOME! So we sat in wet clothes for the rest of the time. A lot of other things happened when we were there, but it's best not to share too much! :lol: Let's just say we had a good time!

Anyways, today has proved to be just as interesting. SOOO much has happened, yet I don't feel like I should say. LoL But it's been a good day. I'm just getting ready for school to be on pause for a little bit! It's going to be REALLY nice. For Spring Break I'm going downstate to Jordan's house and his little sister is on Spring Break too, so I get to hang out with her and take her to the mall and whatnot. I love his little sister, she is really funny. The only bad thing about Spring Break is that I'm going to be freaking out cuz I have SOOO much damn homework to do..it's the end of the year and ahhhhhhhhhhhh all my classes are just piling it on! I hate it!! I think that I'm gonna do A LOT of homework over break so that I don't have to think about it.

Then the summer will be here, which is going to be AWESOME! I can NOT wait until I can take out my jet skiies again!! WOO HOO! I'm pretty sure sometime this summer Jordan and I are gonna head down to Florida to visit my Aunt and Uncle and cousin. We aren't going this year because of the wedding and I can't stop thinking about Florida! I WANT TO GO!! Then I'm going to get my hair done down there and I'm going to let this guy do WHATEVER he wants to it..change the color, cut it off..whatever. It's time for a change. So I'm looking forward to that. It will be nice. I can also get a GREAT tan when I'm down there..WOO HOO! Lookin forward to that too.

Well that is all I can think of for now. Have a great day!

Today when I got home from class, my dad was recording on to a tape the Basketball Banquet from my senior year. It was SOOO funny! He has been putting a lot of the films onto video tapes. It been interesting to watch them. But the basketball banquet brought back a lot of memories. I miss basketball SOOO much! I still can't believe that it's over. I could have gone on to play at some colleges, but I decided not to and stay here. I miss junior year of basketball a lot too. It was awesome, we had 7 girls on the team and we all got a long for the most part. We were an AWESOME team, but everyone that year took their turn getting hurt, which sucked because we didn't really get to play as a team during the season, but on the off season it was awesome! We beat some really tough teams! It was great! I think we did better during the summer because Tamm, our coach, just kind of sat back and didn't do anything. It was nice!

Anyways, my last year of basketball kind of sucked because I was the only senior, we lost A LOT of games, and our team was SOO damn divided. Jen and Erin were one group, Casey and Carrie where another, then the twins were in their own little group. I mean, it was just stupid! Jen and Erin were bitches most of the time. Jen would always interupt me when I would be doing something. She didn't like the fact that I was captain. It was annoying as hell! We had a team meeting that didn't go so well. It turned into Jen trying to bitch at me and Jackie. Lauren let her have it which was HILARIOUS!! I also said somethings back to her, but I was trying to be nice because the whole point of the meeting was trying to get our team together, but in the end it seemed to just push us apart.

Anyways, I had a blast goofing around with Lauren and Jackie. Coach told me one time that Lauren and I looked alike, he said that she looks like my little sister. He said that we hang out and talk A LOT too. It was funny, so from then on I called Lauren "Lil Sis" and she started calling me "Big Sis" so that is how that all happened. But I think that Jackie, Lauren, and myself made the best out of it that we could. We lost a lot of games, but not always by a lot. Which was nice, we definitely could compete with the teams we played. I remeber our last game!! OMG, it was really bad, TC West KICKED our asses! The stupid camara guy took a picture of me crying the last few seconds of the game and put it in the newspaper, the next day EVERY single one of my teachers gave me a copy of it. I was like AHHHHHHHHH I didn't want it. I got a lot of support from people telling me good job and we are going to miss you. It was nice, but I miss the time hanging out with Jackie, Lauren, and Kelsie, we were all buddies. Oh well that's how life goes huh?

Anyways, back to the banquet, I listened to Coach talk about Lauren. Now I had completely forgot about the banquet..I mean, if I didn't watch this tape I probably would have forgotten about this..but I don't know how I could have. Anways, Coach was talking about Lauren and how she "twitched" It was SO fucking funny!! I was laughing my ass off just watching it. He said that he would put her in the game and she would dive for a ball and she would come up and would be "twitching" so he'd get worried about her and would pull her out of the game. He'd ask her if she was ok and she'd say yeah and he would put her back in. (Now just so you know, I'm writing what he said at the banquet.) Then she would do it again and she would come up twitching. Then after 4 games "He realized that she's just a Twitcher"...LoL. It was SOO funny! Then he talked about Jackie and said all these wonderful things about her and how GOOD of a basketball player she is, and she REALLY is!! Jackie is an all around AWESOME basketball player! It was funny cuz I was sitting in between Lauren and Jackie and my dad was video taping us. The look on Jackie's face was priceless. Most of the time when my dad was video taping us, we were all talking and joking around. It was funny.

Then he said some nice things about me and said that "I'm a hard person to say goodbye to." Then Jackie and I gave Coach his presents that the team bought him and then Coach gave out awards for the year. Jackie and I made 2nd Team All Conference, Casey got the Northmen Award, Kelsie got the Most Improved Player Award, and Jackie and I got Most Valuable Player Awards. It was AWESOME getting to share that award with Jackie because she definitely deserved it. Then I gave a speech about Coach, my teammates, and how I'm going to miss it. And then it was over!!! It was just weird. I felt like writing about it. We had some awesome games last year, one in Cheboygan, Gaylord at Home of course, and whatnot! I really miss basketball.

Aww man, I LOVE Green Day! They are definitely one of my favorite bands!! I love their songs, their CD is AWESOME!! Jordan and I listen to their CD a lot. Their songs are just really good! Here are a few songs off their CD, they are my favorites!!:D:

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rest,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Extraordinary Girl

She's an extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And she can't seem to get away
He lacks the courage in his mind
like a child left behind
like a pet left in the rain
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
some days he feels like dying
she gets so sick of crying
she sees the mirror of herself
an image she wants to sell
to anyone willing to buy
he steals the image in her kiss
from her heart's apocalypse
from the one called whatsername
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
some days he feels like dying
some days it's not worth trying
now that they both are finding
she gets so sick of crying

She's a Rebel

She's a rebel
she's a saint
she's the salt of the earth
and she's dangerous
she's a rebel
vigilante
missing link on the brink
of destruction
from chicago
to toronto
she's the one that they call
Old whatsername
she's the symbol
of resistance
and she's holding on my
heart like a handgrenade
is she thinking
what i'm thinking?
Is she the mother of all bombs?
Gonna detonate
is she trouble?
Like i'm trouble?
Make it a double
twist of fate
or a melody that
she sings the revolution
the dawning of our lives
she brings this liberation
that i just can't define
nothing comes to mind

Are we the Waiting

Starry nights city lights
coming down over me
sky scrapers and stargazers in my head
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
this dirty town was burning down in my dreams
lost and found city bound in my dreams and screaming
are we we are, are we we are the waiting and screaming
are we we are, are we we are thr waiting
forget me nots and second thoughts live in isolation
heads or tails and fairytales in my mind
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
the rage and love, thr story of my life
the jesus of suburbia is a lie and screaming
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown

Give Me Novacaine

Take away the sensation
Inside my bittersweet migrain in my head
It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind,
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensations over whelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And tell me everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
Give me novacaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling and that's alright
Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensation's over whelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing.

Yes it pretty much was.

Now this is the most fucked up thing ever. I still can't believe it happened. I still imagine that Matt is alive and at college doing his thing and is happy, but that is not the case.

On January 25th, Fallon had called my cell phone and left a voice message. She said something along these lines, "Hey Jill, I'm just calling you because I was wondering if you have heard about Matt. So call me back when you get this." Well at that time Fallon liked a boy named Matt, so I didn't think much of it. I wasn't going to call her back until later, but decided to just call then. So I did. She was like OMG Jill I'm so sorry. I was like what the hell are you talking about? She told me that Matt was in a car accident and was killed instantly. I was like WHAT?! I was actually VERY confused. I didn't know who she was talking about. I thought it was this guy Matt Wilson from my school. Then she said no it's Matt...I was like what!?! My brain was just not accepting this knowledge. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want it to be true, but it was.

I use to stay up to all hours of the night talking to Matt. We almost started dating, but shit happens..I back out. Broke his heart and we went back to being just friends. We had many fights and many good times, I just wish he was still alive today so we can have more good times.

Anyways, I was at Jordan's house in P-town when I found out. I instantly freaked out and was balling. Jordan tried to hold me, but I was so freaked out, if I went into more detail with Matt's and my relationship you would understand. So I ran into the livingroom where Stephanie and Lauren were..Gabe was there too. I was balling and Stephanie and Lauren were both like what the hell is wrong..It took me a while to get it out, but I finally told them. Stephanie just sat there and hugged me.

Later, Tim called me balling. Tim was Matt's best friend. He was in a complete panic. He just wanted to talk. So I sat there and talked to him, but what do you say??! I didn't know. He told me what happened to Matt.

Matt and his other best friend were driving home from a basketball game. Matt was the captain of the team. It was snowing out and it was icey. They were just about home and an ambulance was coming at them really fast. The driver, Matt's best friend, swerved the car and it started fish tailing. The ambulance hit Matt's side of the car and it killed him instantly. He flew out of the car and he was wearing his seat belt. The ambulance was going over 70 mph. Every bone in his body was broken. His jaw was up at his eyes. It was just a mess. Matt's best friend was barely hurt, just a couple of bumps and bruises. Now he lives with the guilt of killing his best friend. I'm not saying that it's his fault, but if you were in his situation you would understand.

Now this was really hard for me. I couldn't believe that this was happening. Matt was only 18. That's it!! He wasn't out of high school yet. He had so many dreams and goals that he's never going to be able to accomplish. He had a full ride to Grand Valley that he didn't get to go to. It's just so fucking sad when shit like this happens. Sometimes I don't believe it. I still have ALL the emails that he sent me and they are really cute. Just telling me how much he likes me and how beautiful I am. He was just a great guy and he was going somewhere with his life. He was a good friend and I miss him dearly. We had a song together..it was a really popular song when we were really good friends. I deticate this song in his memory..From me to Him. I miss you and love you Matt!! Rest In Peace!

Hears to the Night By: Eve 6

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Well I found this interesting and I’m wondering what other people think about this. Cloning!!

Yesterday in Bio we watched this video clip on cloning. As most people know we have cloned sheep and cows. But now we have moved on to something new. We are cloning cats and soon dogs.

How are they going to do this you might ask? Well, this is how it works. They take cells out of the cat and they only need one cell to do this. Then they take a female cat and take an egg out of her. There they take out her chromosomes and replace them with the 1^st cats chromosomes. After that has been completed they place the egg into a 3^rd cat who is there considered the segregate. Then when the 3^rd cat gives birth, the 1^st cats DNA is the same as the kittens DNA. So therefore you have an identical cat.

There are people out there that are asking to have their cat or dog cloned. This one lady has paid around 2 million dollars just to have her dead cat cloned. It cost a lot because of the storage and the other obvious reasons.

Now I think it is one of the dumbest ideas to clone your cat or dog. I mean, there are so many cats and dogs out there that need homes. Besides that a lot of people want to “control the pet population” as Bob Barker says. So now here we are adding to it. I understand the sentimental value, but it’s just creepy and weird. Besides that, just because it has the same DNA as the 1^st cat, doesn’t mean that it’s going to have the same personality as the 1^st cat.

Those are my thoughts on cloning cats and dogs. Don’t get me wrong I love cats and dogs. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs and I love them to death, but I would never clone them. But I would love to hear thoughts from anyone else who reads this. So please let me know what you think and what your thoughts are on cloning cats and dogs.

Today was most interesting. I can actually say that I had fun at my Bio. Lab. We did this thing where you had 2 tooth picks in a tube and you had to shake 1 out of the tube and your partner had to do the same. We had to repeat this 50 times and mark the colors down on the paper. Of course the colors stood for something..it was the traits of the parents, dominant and recessive. Then we had to use 2 tubes each that had all different colors in them and shake it and make down the colors we got, but this we had to do 100 times!! LoL. It actually didn’t take that long. I did my lab today with Melissa. She is awesome. I’m going to be semi related to her when my sister gets married. The guy that she is marrying is Melissa’s cousin! So that is awesome! But we just goofed around the whole time and said random stupid things, like I normally do. It was funny because we were the last group to start and the 1^st group to finish. The girls behind us were REALLY REALLY annoying! Wow, one girl was singing the whole time. I just wanted to turn around and be like SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! But that wouldn’t have been nice so I held back. Then they were talking about this guy that’s body goes for REALLY big to REALLY little. The 1 girl is dating him and made a comment and her friend goes, “Duh, YEAH I’ve seen him naked.” I was completely and totally disgusted!

Then after lab I went to the police station and filed an accident report. The cop was really really nice to me. I was freaked out when I went in there because I was afraid that I was going to have to talk to the cop that was there the night that I OD. That would have been BAD and interesting!! LoL. But it wasn’t. It was funny cuz the cop was asking me all these questions, like what is your license plate #, do you know your insurance company..things like that..and each one he got a NO to. So I had to call my dad and ask him who our insurance company is and the cop went to my car and copied down my license plate #. Then he handed me a card and said there you go and have a nice day. I was like..that’s it?? lol. I said thank you. It was funny, but the cop was really nice about it.

Then I went to math class for the 1^st time in a week…my bad!! lol, but my time spent away was well worth skipping! There is this girl named Ashley in my class, she said that she knew me from Girl Scout or something ALONG time ago. It was weird, I didn’t recognize her at all. I felt kinda bad, but she asked me for my # and I didn’t really want to give it to her, but I did. Then Melissa is in my math class too. We just goof around and talk about our weekends and her partying. She is 1 crazy chick. But we get along great. there is also this really weird guy in my class, both math and bio. And he sits there and just stares at me! It’s really really creepy. Ohh yeah, Geoff is in my class too. We have fun making fun of each other, but it’s all in a joking manner. I remember he was picking on me 1 day and I hadn’t really talked to him in a long time and he kept making fun of me and calling me amazon..don’t ask! So the next day in class he came up to me and pulled my hood over my head and I said,”Don’t fucking touch me.” He was like Jill and he said sorry that he was just joking around..so I said sorry too. lol, it was funny though. But Geoff is a good guy.

So today, I’ve been doing a lot of my homework. I read an article on HIV and how it’s spread and how the gays and junkies pass it on and how the media got involved in it. It was crazy. I had to read it for interpersonal communication class. Interesting huh?? LOL! Then I watched my shows and I’ve been talking to Jordan on the phone. It’s been a good day all in all.

I realized something today about myself. Other than being really happy almost all the time…I mean how can I not when I have such great friends like Fallon, John, and Jordan’s sisters, and of course his mom and the best guy ever as my boyfriend, Jordan! Jordan just really really makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself all the time. I never really had any self confidence at all. I’m talking NONE! Then Jordan came into my life and I have A LOT of self confidence and I got it all from Jordan. I’m very out going now and starting to speak my opinion. I goof around and have fun all the time. I mean sure there are things that I still get upset about and some things that I’m sensitive about, but I just try to keep them behind me.

Then all those people that I was fighting with, it’s now over! It’s great. I don’t hate anyone. I’m friends with Gabe and Stephanie again and Jordan, Gabe, Stephanie, and I hang out now and talk and have fun. I’m hoping that the 4 of us can go back to the way it used to be. I miss it a lot. Lauren and I talked online one night for a while which was cool. It’s just nice that things are better, not saying we are all friends, but we have a respect for each other and can put behind all the stupid shit that happened. Who knows though there might be 1 crazy day where all of us are friends again.   

But as for now, I’m just waiting for Thursday, it’s become 1 of my favorite days because I’m done with classes for the weekend and Jordan comes up!! YAY!! I’m so excited to see him and show him what I did to my room!! And the “BIG DAY” is coming closer and closer and I just can’t wait!! It is going to be SOOO much fun!!

Ohh, today I found letters from my Grandpa George to my Grandma Gwen. They are my mom’s parents and they are both dead now, my grandpa died when my mom was 8 so I never knew him, but I did hear a lot of stories about him from my grandma. I used to have a favorite story about my grandpa and the “talking” bird. My grandma would hold me and I would lay on the couch and she would rub my back and tell me that story over and over. But it was interesting reading the letters, it was from 1944!! Yeah that’s a long ass time ago. They were married and my grandpa was away in the army somewhere. He was really sweet and carrying. The paper was SOOO old, I was afraid that I was going to rip it. I also had a hard time reading his hand writing..he was writing in cursive! lol, it was kinda hard reading the letters just because I thought about my grandma and how much I miss her and how I wished that I could have known my grandpa, but it was alright. I have the best Papa EVER..my other grandpa, I don’t call him grandpa it’s always Papa. So I guess you can say that makes up for not knowing my other grandpa...in a way..

Well this weekend was a lot of fun! Jordan’s family came up. Gabe and Stephanie only came up for Friday. When they got there Stephanie and I just talked. It was a lot of fun! Then she had to go see her parents and Gabe went with her. Then Jordan’s family and I went out to dinner, well ordered in..we got the Pub!! Yummy!! Then we just kinda hung around the house and then Jordan and I went back to my house for a little bit. I got my dress for the wedding and brought it back to the house so that his mom and sisters could see it.

Then we went to the movies with Jordan’s mom, mom’s boyfriend, 2 sisters, and his sisters fiancé. It was a lot of fun!! We saw Hitch! Great movie. I love Will Smith movies, other than Wild Wild West..hated that movie! The guy from King of Queen was SOOOOO funny in it! Yet I still think that the movie could have been a little better, certain parts dragged on with it and it just got boring, but I guess you could say that the funny parts made up for it! After the movie we saw Kyle there and he gave me a big hug. He’s funny, I grew up with him! He’s a great guy!

Then we went back to Jordan’s house and just hung out! It’s ALWAYS a blast hanging out with Jordan’s family. They are SOO funny! Just a bunch of great people! Then Jordan and I headed out to my house and watched TV and just hung out.

Then Saturday I had to babysit with my sister. We babysat 4 little boys, between the ages of 10-12. My sister and I have babysat for them before. They are crazy little boys. They went downstairs to play video games and my sister and I kept hearing “bitch” and “hell”, so I went downstairs to say something to them and right when I came around the corner this little boy was yelling at one of the other little boys and he said, “Shut up you stupid bitch” I yelled at them and told them that I didn’t want to hear anymore swearing. Later they did it again thinking that my sister and I couldn’t hear them. So she went down there and yelled at them. Then they just played games and Nintendo..Halo mostly. Then Jordan came to the house to give me dinner!! His little sister came too. We sat there and talked for a while..that was the highlite of the night!! I was really really really happy that they came to see me!

Then came bed time!! OHHH WOW!! They ran upstairs and were just running and running and jumping on beds. Finally I went upstairs and got them ready for bed. Tori yelled at 2 of the boys who were sharing a room and then I had to go up there later to tell them to be quiet. I told the 1 boy that if I heard him 1 more time that I was going to take him out of the room and move him downstairs. He said ok ok and they went to sleep. The people were really late. An hour to be exact and Jordan was sitting at my house. I felt really bad!! They finally came in and there were 3 guys..1 of the guys was drunk!! He was falling all over. So they gave us our money and my sister and I headed out, but we couldn’t get out. Their driveway was icey and my sister couldn’t get up the hill. So the drunk guy and the other half drunk guy came out and were trying to help us get up the hill!! LoL, the really drunk 1 got into the car and wanted to drive it up the hill. I was going OMG!! Then he got out of the car and my sister was driving and the 2 guys were trying…key word there, trying, to push the car up the driveway!! Then the drunk guy came up to my window and was asking my sister and I who’s cuter him or his brother. That was amusing. Then he was asking us all these weird questions. Then the other guy got in the car and got it up the driveway. He kept calling me my sister. He thought that she was the tall blonde..but nope that would be me!! Then he was stuck in the car cuz the door was locked and he was telling me how great I was and then my sister finally got up the hill and I unlocked the door and told him to get out! It was funny. Interesting, but funny.

Then I went into Jordan’s house with him, but the only one awake was him mom. So we sat there and talked to her..that was a lot of fun! She was telling us about her day and it was quite interesting. Then Jordan and I headed back to my house.

Sunday Jordan and I just hung out with my family. Then today Jordan went home. I went to class and we did this thing about first impressions. This group of guys thought that I was the good church girl. When my teacher asked them why they thought that they said it’s because I looked sweet and innocent. I just laughed..I was like yeah..you don’t know me too well at all. haha, the rest of the day just dragged on.

Ohh I didn’t go to my math class again!! I felt like shit today. Actually all weekend I didn’t feel too hot! I was up throwing up on Saturday night, Jordan was there and he sat there with me. So I decided just to come home and relax! Which is what I’m trying to do!! Ohh, and today someone HIT my car!! They put a big dent in it on the passenger side on the back door! So tomorrow I’m off the the police station to file an accident report. Fun fun fun! Stupid people, LEARN HOW TO PARK!!!! :evil:

Anyways, tonight my parents are gone, so it’s just me and my sister!! Woo hoo!! This should be interesting!!

Ohh yeah, one more thing. I read Jackie’s diary at the beginning of the weekend and it said that she was planning on inviting me to her get together today. I just looked at it today and it was erased!! Haha!! Apparently someone didn’t want me to go. Which is fine..I wasn’t really planning on it and that is exactly why. But I found that amusing. Yeah, things ARE getting better…

Today was actually a really good day. Today was my first day of Interpersonal Communications class which went very well I might add. My teacher had to have a hysterectomy, I think that is how you spell it??!, the first day of school. So I have been off for a month and one day!! The one day being a snow day!! HAHA, we had a snow day, crazy, but AWESOME!

I remember everything about the 2 weeks before my grandma died! There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about her and how much I really miss her. There are times where I’ll be alone in my room and cry for her. I miss her so much.

My grandma and I were really close. My 2 sisters and I were pretty much her world. She has always lived very close to us, so she was always around. My grandma suffered a stroke 6 years before she died. The stroke made her not able to speak correctly. I remember that night too. It’s hard to forget things like that. I loved my grandma more than anyone could ever know and I miss her a billion times more than that, but death is a part of our lives no matter what we try to do.

My grandma was 91 years old and she died November 26, 2003. That was the day before Thanksgiving that year. I remember 2 weeks before that we moved my grandma into Sunny Banks so that she would be around people and would always have someone around if anything ever happened. She was prone to choking and we were worried that no one would be around. She also would faint a lot too. I remember coming home one day after school and my neighbor telling me that my grandma had passed out in her yard (she lived across the street from us) and my uncle took her inside her house. That freaked the shit out of me.

Anyways, we moved her into Sunny Banks and just a couple days after that she hit her hip on the brick wall and shattered it completely. She had to have immediate hip surgery. My mom told me what happened and I freaked out. I knew that the number one leading cause of death for old people was broken hips, not the fact that they broke their hip, but the recovery after it and they can’t get up and exercise and their lungs fill up with fluid! So I instantly panicked! My mom told me that everything was alright, that grandma came out of the surgery fine, which she did. I remember going to see her at the hospital. She was still sleeping and I still remember the noise that she was making. Then they moved her into Brotz recovery. My grandma was there for about a weekend. My mom told me that everything was fine, she didn’t want me to worry because I’m a worrier and I worry about everything and everything! But then I found out that everything wasn’t ok.

I remember going to Amanda’s house in a state of panic. It was around midnight and she and I went to visit my grandma at Bortz. My mom and my cousin Shelly were there too. We stayed there and talked until 2 am. Then I took Amanda home and went home myself. Then came the day I call HELL!

It was November 26, 2003. I went to visit my grandma again. She was doing very bad. She stopped drinking and eating. She wasn’t responding to anything and wouldn’t let anyone make her comfortable. It’s like she just gave up. I remember sitting there with both my sisters and just staring at my grandma. My sister, Jenna, took my hand and put it in my grandma’s hand. I sat there and held her hand and just looked at her. She looked so helpless. She was making this gurgling noise when she would breathe and she had her head pushed back with her mouth open. I was balling my eyes out. Jenna told me that it was ok to cry. But all the noises and just seeing my grandma like that, I couldn’t bare it. I told Jenna and Tori that I was going to go get something to eat and that I would be back later. I leaned in give her a kiss and my grandma responded to me. It scared me. My sister told me to do it again or say something. So I said grandma, but nothing and I couldn’t do anything else. I just needed out of there, so I left, not knowing that would be the last time that I would see my grandma alive. That thought just kills me so much.

So I left and I went to Jackie’s house. I told her what happened, so she called Mike and Geoff, and she drove me out to Mike’s house to watch movies and get my mind off of things. Well that worked for a while, but then I had 2 voice messages. One was from Jordan and the other from my mom. When I heard my mom’s voice I knew that my grandma had died. I knew it in my heart. My mom just said that I needed to come straight to Bortz and to call her before I came. I called her and she wouldn’t tell me what happened, but told me to come to Brotz, but not to drive myself. I freaked out when I got off the phone with her. I walked back into Mike’s room and told everyone what happened, then I ran down the stairs because I was crying uncontrollably. I remember falling in the hallway. I remember Mike flew down the stairs after me and sat beside me and just hugged me. I shoved him off of me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I went into the bathroom and when I came out everyone was standing there just staring at me. They all gave me a hug and said sorry and then Jackie rushed me to Bortz. I remember Jackie held my hand the whole way and just kept telling me that everything was going to be alright and I will never forget what Jackie did for me.

So Jackie walks me into Bortz and I see my family right at the doorway. I saw my dad crying and I knew that my grandma was really dead. I walked in balling and my dad just grabbed me and hugged me. My mom came and got me and walked me back to where my grandma was. There I saw my grandma’s dead body. I sat down beside her and I was crying hysterically, then I couldn’t breathe. My Aunt Bobbi grabbed me and carried me out of there. She just hugged me and all I wanted to do was scream. I was so pissed and so sad. Then I found out that my mom and dad both whispered in my grandma’s ear and told her that it was ok to die. That they will always love her and if it is her time then it is. And my two sisters where in the room when she died and so was my cousin Maureen. My heart was completely broken. Then I saw the funeral guy come in with a bag on a stretcher. All I wanted to do was hit him. I didn’t want to let him take her. I didn’t want to admit that my grandma was actually dead! Then I saw my grandma getting wheeled out of Bortz in a bag on a stretcher. And everyday I see that image in my head.

Then the funeral came. Jordan drove up for the day. Mike, Stephanie, and Jackie came too. I remember walking up to the coffin and seeing my lifeless grandma there. It was hard, but I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. The ceremony started and the pasture is a good family friend of ours. I remember that I was sitting at the end of the row and Jordan was sitting next to me and he held my hand the entire time. I remember all the wonderful things that were said about my grandma and I remember my Aunt Bobbi singing. She has a beautiful voice. During the song I couldn’t fight back my tears anymore. I didn’t want people to see that I was crying though. But out of the corner of my eyes I could see Mike, Stephanie, Jackie, and Jordan all staring at me. I didn’t want them looking at me, so I turned my head, but there were more people over there. I just wanted to run and sit with my mom, but my stupid Aunt was sitting there and I didn’t want anything to do with her. Then after the ceremony was over Stephanie got up and came over and gave me one of the biggest hugs ever. I just cried the entire time. Then we drove out to the cemetery and sang songs and said our final good byes to my grandma. I took a couple flowers from her grave.

On the car ride home Jordan sat in the back with me and whispered in my ear, “It’s ok to cry, I’m here for you.” And I did. I lay in his lap balling my eyes out and he just held me.

I also remember that the day after she died I got my stain art window glass thing back. It was lying on my desk in my room. I saw it and I started balling. I told my grandma, joking around of course, that when she died I was going to take it back. If you knew my family you would see the humor in that. It wasn’t like I wanted her to die and I sure as hell wish she were a live today. She had a list of people that she wanted to out live and she did. Then she started on a new one. My grandma was funny, she truly enjoyed every little bit of her life.

I felt so horrible for my mom. She lost her dad when she was only 8 years old. He died of a heart attack. So she basically grew up without a dad. All she had was my grandma. They were very close. So when she died my mom lost the only parent that she ever really knew.  It broke my heart. I don’t know what I will do without my parents and I don’t want to think about it at all.

I will never forget any of that. There were little things that I left out, just because I didn’t want to go into them, but my grandma dieing has scarred me for life. It was just the beginning of my hell from that year. It was the one thing that brought me down and it got worse from there. But I needed to write about it, just so that I can help myself get better. I hold my grandma in my heart. I think about her everyday, the good the bad. I remember the noises and the way she looked. Whenever I drive by Bortz, which is almost every day, I get a chill down my spine. I hate that place! I’m just thankful that I had Jordan there with me. He helped me through it all a lot. He was always there when I needed him the most and he always is.

Well, I’m bored! So I thought that I would write in here. I’m really excited!! My oldest sister is getting married in less than 3 months!! Hooray!! It’s going to be SOOOOO much fun! The guy that she is marrying she has been with for over 5 years and has lived with him all but 1 month of that time! So we all knew that it was coming sometime!

Well, my sister has her dress and she looks beautiful in it! She has 4 bridesmaids and obviously 4 groomsmen. The bridesmaids dresses are beautiful too. They are red with bikini straps. Around the chest they have little red beaded flowers and a string of red beads at the bottom of the chest. Then it has a thing that looks like the dress is wrapped around you. It’s very very pretty! My sister has 2 of her good friends in it and then my other sister and myself. My sister couldn’t choose between my other sister and myself so we all agreed to just have each other as bridesmaids and have one of our best friends as the maid of honor. Which I think is a good idea anyways! I’m really excited for the big day!!

We have been planning this since they got engaged! I think that everything is planned out now. My sisters’ maid of honor is her best friend from high school! Her name is Anni! She is awesome! She is so funny! So Anni is throwing my sister her batchelorette party! OMG!! That is going to be SOO fun! Also, the day before the wedding we are going to the Bay Harbor Spa!! That is going to be great! I’m getting a 50 minute back massage, a pedicure, and a manicure! It’s going to be great! Then we are going to have lunch there at the hotel and my Aunt Lisa rented out a sweat so that my sisters, the other two bridesmaids, and I could all stay the night there. The next morning we are getting up and getting ready there and then a limo is going to pick us up and take us to the wedding! It’s going to be a blast! I’m so happy for my sister.

Besides that the guy that she is marrying I love to death! He’s a great guy and they are great together! I’ve basically thought of him as my brother for a long time. He’s definitely my protective big brother! He’s so funny if I tell him that someone is doing shit to me he’s like you want me to beat them up?? lol. Of course I tell him no cause I don’t really want to see anyone get hurt and I definitely don’t want him to go to jail!! But the thought counts, lol! I tell him everything pretty much. He’s so funny to talk to. He gives me a lot of advice and helps me through a lot. I also love his family. They are all really nice.

So, the big day is coming closer and closer! I just can’t hold back my excitement anymore! YAY!! Ohh and my other sisters boyfriend is moving in with us soon. I’ll explain about that later. But this is all I’m going to write for now! Later!  

Well I decided to write an entry in here for me. Over the past year and a half I’ve gone through so much. A lot of it I never thought that I could get over. First I loose my grandma, then I OD and almost die, and then a friend from the past was killed in a freak accident. That all happened in a 3 month period, give or take a few weeks and all at the end of my senior year too. It’s a lot to handle. I still deal with it each and every day.

After all that I thought that I was completely alone and I felt no one could help me. I was screaming out for someone to come and save me. I’ve never been so completely scared and lost in my entire life. Then from there things didn’t get much better. I started fighting with my friends and I must say that some of the fights were so unbelievably stupid, I can’t even go into it, I'm gonna kinda go into it. It's funny because only a very few people really know why we started fighting. I came off as a huge bitch to everyone else because no one knows what really happened, everyone heard one side of it all. It was me defending my best friend, then my best friend turning on me and another friend betraying my trust (again) and talking shit about me. I know most of those people won't believe it, but that's the God honest truth. Another funny part is I'm not even fighting with those people anymore, but a couple of their friends. I still feel that that those fights were stupid and should have ended sooner, but they didn’t and I lost a few friends in it, but it just shows me that the friendships weren’t meant to last because something so simple could ruin it and they can’t forgive me. It’s not like they were perfect either and I forgave them for a lot, but you know what it’s something that I learned to deal with.  I have a lot of great friends, ones that have stayed with me threw thick and thin. People that I love dearly and care about. I will never forget the friends that I lost though, they are in my heart even though most of those people hate me and with their own reasons. I will never say that I’m perfect because I most definitely am not. I’ve made my mistakes on the way. Most of all I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons.

I have learned that my family is always there for me. No matter what happens I can always count on them. I used to shut my family out a lot, but now they are always one of the first people I run to. My family is so amazing and they love me and care a lot about me. I’ve grown so close with them that it’s crazy, but the thing is we’ve always been this close, I just never realized it before. My family has helped me threw a lot and they will always be there for me and I will always be grateful for that! I love my family with all my heart and I’m beyond lucky to have them in my life!

Then there is Jordan! My boyfriend and the best boyfriend ever! I met him 2 summers ago. Jordan and I have gone through so many ups and downs, but in the end it just made us stronger and closer. I could have not asked for a better person to fall in love with. He is the greatest person in the world!! He’s so loving and caring. Not only that but he’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and just so much more. He’s always there for me no matter what. He’s the shoulder I cry on, the person that makes me laugh when I’m sad, and my best friend. I’m so lucky to have found him. I have found my soul mate at a young age and that is pretty rare. I’m blessed to have him in my life and I thank God every day for such a wonderful guy like Jordan. I love him with all my heart and each day we grow closer and closer! Words can’t even describe how much I love him.

So now I’m a freshman in college and I chose to stay in my home town to go to school! It was obviously cheaper and I didn’t know what I was going into, so it made sense to stay here. I don’t regret my decision at all. I’ve met so many cool people here! People that are going to this community college are really nice and really down to earth. I’ve made a lot of new friends, some that I would have most likely not talked to at all in high school. You really have to get to know someone before you judge them. And I’ve had a blast getting to know all these people. The best part is that Jordan comes up EVERY weekend.

I guess what this all boils down to is just that I love being me and I’m so happy right now! I’m living and loving it. I know I’ve made mistakes on the way, but when it comes right down to it, I’m a good person.

I’ve also learned that you can’t please everyone, there will be people who hate you, some people will want to make your life hell for their own reasons, and their will be people who will judge you solely on one thing even though they don’t know you at all. Then there are the people who will love you unconditionally, will always be there for you, will always be there to help, and will love you for you. Those are the people that I hold close to my heart. I’ve also learned that the people who try to hurt you only makes you stronger and soon you move on and I live my life the way I want instead of the way everyone else thinks I should. I’ve also learned that there are some people that don’t like me for their own reason and that it’s OK. That was one of the hardest lessons to accept at first, but now I don’t dwell on it at all. Instead I laugh when someone talks shit about me and let it roll off my shoulder.

In the end these are little things that make me the person I am today, love me, hate me, it’s up to you. I’ve read the little “group” of people’s diaries that don’t really like me and it seems that they happy and it seems like they are finally letting go of what "happened" and not writing about me, which is cool, I’m really glad! I’m happy for them too. I just hope that this fighting ends now. Who knows though. Shit happens.

well, i decided to change the color of my blog because things have changed a lot. i'm ready to deal with all the bullshit that i'm sure matt is about to say about me or anyone else in that group for that matter. it's totally fine. i'm actually enjoying this because he is so stupid that it makes me laugh. he can call me all the names he wants. tell me that i'm a stupid bitch, that i have a "lost soul", i stir up shit, what else did he say?? ohh yeah, i should rot in hell. he's just amusing now. all he does is threaten me. ohh well. i guess some people just don't know better. it's ok. jordan and i get much enjoyment out of them. especially matt. we've never done anything to the kid or said anything about him until he talked shit about me. so it's just funny that he's doing this now. ohh well. i don't know if i'm hoping that matt will respond to this just for my amusement or if i do it cuz i know it bothers him and he will respond to me?!! hmm, there is nothing that he can say about me that he hasn't said already. so i'm not sure what else he'll say or do..but we will find out!!! i'm more doing this just cuz matt talks so much shit and i want to see what he will do and for the reason that he's threaten me SOO many times about not saying anything about him or anyone in his group..i guess that is the reason that i'm doing this!! there you have it. well, i haven't lied once on my blog and i don't plan on it. i know that that whole group thinks that i have, but that's ok. i don't care anymore if they believe me or not.

yes matt, PLEASE comment about me. talk shit about me say bad things about me!! it's fun! i love listening to you making an ass out of youself!! jordan and i get A LOT of laughs out of it! maybe you should just threaten me one more time..maybe just maybe i will stop talking!! :lol:

Matt don’t try to threaten me!! You don’t scare me a damn bit! I will do whatever the fuck I please! If you don’t like it, well that’s too damn bad. You don’t even know me and I don’t care to know you. You say that I have no life, take a look in the mirror!! My God Matt, I mean, you mean nothing to really anyone, well maybe a few people I guess. But you bitched about high school and shit, that’s because in high school no one liked you! That’s why you didn’t like it. I didn’t even know that you existed until this year. You are just a psycho! Face it Matt you are. You have to sit there and make a song up about me that doesn’t describe me in the least bit! But it doesn’t even matter, you sit there and say that I’m a waste of time, then why do you bother? I mean come on Matt. You can write about me all you want. Yet, when we are face to face you are really nice to me! Hmmm, I guess it’s just because you are a pussy. You talk so much shit, it’s funny! You know what else, I hope this pisses you off, I would love to see you mad!! It will just make me laugh!! There is nothing you can do to me, it’s best just to move on. Oh yeah, “FUCK YOU EAT SHIT AND LIKE IT!!” right back at ya. :lol: :wink:

ok, jackie, i'm not tryin to be a bitch..but you are really making me wonder sometimes. i know that you and lauren are friends..good friends or not..i don't know..and i honestly don't care. it's cool. and you should know that. but the thing that gets me is that i sit here and i read comments like this that you write..but i know that you don't like christina..or at least that's what you tell me! so this really concerns me...cuz i don't know what to believe anymore. it makes me wonder if you sit there and tell lauren all the things i say and tell her that you agree with her and all this..i mean i don't want to think that at all, but when you tell me that you are sick of lauren or she makes you mad and that you can't trust her..but you sit there and say you love her and want to hang out with her and so on..it makes me wonder. but seriously, don't think that i'm telling you not to be friends with lauren, cuz i'm not! i don't hate lauren at all either. and when you posted those things on mine..of course you didn't leave your name..so why don't you just not say anything..or actually put your name..it just gets to me. and it's REALLY getting to me right now! it just seems that you don't say what you mean, and if you want to be friends with those people, it's totally cool, just don't sit there and tell me how much you don't like them or what not. just be STRAIGHT with me! i hate that i have to do this in an email..but i just read that and i just needed to tell you and i'm not going to see you anytime soon..i don't know, i feel like a bitch doing this in an email..but i'm kinda questioning you and our friendship. as horrible as that might sound..it's true. i hope that you don't think i'm a bitch...but it's fusterating. how would you feel if i sat there and said all this stuff about people that you personally didn't like and i ran off and hung out with them and wrote all this stuff. you would be fusterated too! i don't know jackie. i guess it just hurts. i just want you to be straight with me. if you are friends with them it's cool!! for real! i just don't want you to tell me that you don't like them, can't trust them..or whatever..that's all. but this is long enough..later

Jillian

From :	Jackie DeLyon
Sent :	Monday, October  ;25, 2004 11:57 AM
To :	Jillian
Subject :	RE: yeah....

sorry jill. i havent been friends with them for a while, yes i havent liked them in a long time. i can relate to lauren bc of basketball, i haven talked to her since uhhh about yesterday when we started talking about basketball. i cant stand christina but when i was talking to her it seemed to be alright yesterday. i DONT hang out with them, i havent in a loooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooong time, its not like im going behind your back to hangout with them? i dont talk to them about you, if i did they would fucking get an ear-ful, compared to you jill they arent even friends. i dont know why you think im like betraying OUR friendship when it has anything to do with them? its not like im gonna go hang out with them every chance i get and lie to you about it. point is im not hanging out with them, dont jump ahead. they arent even my friends. i DO miss hanging out with lauren sometimes, i never really hung out with christina in the first-place. and you know she fucking annoys me. its a little different on the internet when you dont have to hear their voice, and maybe i just wanted to try to be nice to them since ive only basically hated them for the longest time. its not like i agree with them on anything real, i just said i miss them and i wanted to hang out with them. i dont know why that makes me a back-stabber and a bad friend to you jill. everything ive said to you ive meant and i still do. i dont like them for the most part for alot of reasons and you know all of them, but that doesnt mean i cant try to be nicer to them bc all ive really done is talk crap about them. i dont know, be mad at me. ive been pretty happy lately... im not gonna get down but im sorry bc i wouldnt be happy if you werent friends with me any-more. so i guess its up to you. sorry jill. i cant really do anything i guess.... i dont know, tell me what you want me to do and i will.

jd

jackie,

i just wanted you to know that i was upset and hurt by what you wrote! it's NOT the fact that you are friends with them at all. it's me taking a step back and being like, wow..she tells me how much she does NOT like these people, yet she's sitting there and saying "i love you, i miss you, we need to hang out..." and that is to people you don't like?? and that's the things that you say to me..so do you understand where i'm coming from on that? it just really concerns me! it's cool if you want to hang out with them or miss them. but it just hurts me when you tell me that you don't like them and all this and you then say you love them and want to hang out. it makes me wonder if that's what you are doing to me. and this in NOT an attempt to bring you down or anything. it's how i was feeling and i thought that you should know. so, i'm sorry if i pissed you off, but i don't know, i just thought it was shitty and i had to tell you! later, 

jill

don't lose your nerve. says:

jilly

don't lose your nerve. says:

im sorry my computer bugged out earlier

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

hey, i was just about to say hi!!

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

it's ok

don't lose your nerve. says:

how are you

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

i'm good, how are you?

don't lose your nerve. says:

im gooooooooood

don't lose your nerve. says:

have you read christinas comment on your blog thing

don't lose your nerve. says:

i replyed to her

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

did you?

don't lose your nerve. says:

im SICK of her

don't lose your nerve. says:

yes i did

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

hahaha

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

what did you say?

don't lose your nerve. says:

i dunno if i put my name tho

don't lose your nerve. says:

ill tell ya

don't lose your nerve. says:

did you read hers tho or no?

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

nope

don't lose your nerve. says:

ill show you

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

ok

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

wait, what she wrote to me in my reality blog?

don't lose your nerve. says:

» christina [outside user] Monday 10.11.04 [8:47 am]

you know what jillian, i do hate you. i dont care how many times you say "im sorry" because i know you really arent. you just do the same fucking thing every time you hurt someone. its shit. so please just stay out of my life, and stay out of my friend's business

» newbie [outside user] Thursday 10.14.04 [3:52 pm]

Reply to: christina

pretty much your an angry person and you need to forgive and forget. life would be a lot better for you if you could be happy. i hope it feels good to hate someone cause its seems like a tough job. how can you live your life hating someone so much? im sorry your not a happy person, you're missing out. grow up.

don't lose your nerve. says:

yeah

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

yeah i read her comment

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

thank you jackie

don't lose your nerve. says:

Reply to: christina

what else do you want? at least she is trying. you don't know her too well.

don't lose your nerve. says:

i wrote another one

don't lose your nerve. says:

ha

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

lol

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

did you read the one in stephanie's?

don't lose your nerve. says:

about me?

don't lose your nerve. says:

yea what the HELL... i dont even talk to her..........

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

uh huh

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

i have

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

no idea

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

she's stupid

don't lose your nerve. says:

the whole thing makes me angry

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

jordan and i found it funny that she said that you were talking shit about us

don't lose your nerve. says:

i know

don't lose your nerve. says:

haha

don't lose your nerve. says:

im like... HEY GUESS WHAT STEPH AND GABE... I WANNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT JILL AND JORDAN

don't lose your nerve. says:

SINCE I HANGOUT WITH HIM MORE THAN YOU

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

lol

don't lose your nerve. says:

haha

don't lose your nerve. says:

gooooooooooood

i could be stupid, i could be fake, you know i could be just like you says:

buzzkill says:

hey jill

buzzkill says:

whats up

buzzkill says:

gimmie the scoop

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

hey

buzzkill says:

whatcha upset about

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

i don't know, i just feel like you aren't really telling me everything, i don't know...i hope that you know that i DO NOT care if you are friends with lauren at all. that's totally cool and i would NEVER tell you not to be or anything like that

buzzkill says:

no okay so stop. listen...

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

ok

buzzkill says:

im sure youre mad bc of what i wrote to lauren in that online diary of hers. it made me mad that she wrote about how she felt so god damn awkward at erics. the truth is she came to my house in the first place bc the night before was one of the worst days in my life and she was the only person online and i just talked to her about everything and i was talking about how ive just felt like a lonely person and she said she wanted to come over the next day after practice, so she did. and eric called me and asked if i wanted to go decorate stuff for tye-dye day at his house, so lauren came, made herself feel awkward, and thats why we hungout. she was there for me the night before, the last time i had talked or hungout with lauren was god knows when, and i appreciated her being there for me.

buzzkill says:

yea, i was definitely a little too greatful i guess bc i told her how good of a friend she was to me.

buzzkill says:

but it did mean alot that she was there.

buzzkill says:

but really jill... i cannot stand lauren

buzzkill says:

it was just appreciation in a  way

buzzkill says:

i dont know

buzzkill says:

i cant even explain

buzzkill says:

im sorry you were hurt by it

buzzkill says:

im not like not telling you anything, seriously, im really not close with her

buzzkill says:

it was kind of awkward for ME going over there with her

buzzkill says:

and hanging out with her

buzzkill says:

but

buzzkill says:

im sorry

buzzkill says:

but i am just guessing thats why youre upset

buzzkill says:

its just one of the shittest weeks in my life

buzzkill says:

and she happened to be there at the right time

buzzkill says:

and i apologize for not calling you back the other night

buzzkill says:

it also was a very hectic day

buzzkill says:

and i cant take it back, i know. and im sorry jilly, really seriously, you know you are one of my best friends.

buzzkill says:

i wouldnt deliberately do asomething to make you mad or upset you or hurt you,  you have to know that.

buzzkill says:

i dont even talk to lauren at basketball

buzzkill says:

or like say hi to her

buzzkill says:

its just such an awkward thing i have with her

buzzkill says:

i dont hangout with her anymore, i dont even talk to her

buzzkill says:

but i did feel like i owed her a little something for at least trying to be there for me i guess

buzzkill says:

i dont know

buzzkill says:

it was just weird

buzzkill says:

annnnnnd thats basically how i can explain it

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

yeah, it's ok....but you do know that i don't care if you are friends with her right?

buzzkill says:

yea for sure

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

ok good

buzzkill says:

no it was really weird tho

buzzkill says:

like half the time i was putting on a fake smile for her anyway

buzzkill says:

it was just weird

buzzkill says:

i dont know

buzzkill says:

i wish i could burst

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

it just hurt because you said all that stuff about lauren and said that you were going to tell her...not saying you have to cuz it's not really your battle....but it just got my hopes up i guess...and hoping that maybe it could save a relationship...but one that i don't know if i want anymore

buzzkill says:

with her? or with me?

we're on this rollercoaster ride, hold on i'll stay here by your side says:

ohh the friendship with lauren

buzzkill says:

okay.

buzzkill says:

i just found out from someone, thank you..you know who you are. that people think that i've been leaving comments on peoples diary...ok, well i've stopped reading the diaries because i figured that everyone has grown up and moved past this. Unfortunately I did go back and read the comments to see what I “apparently” said. I’m sorry, but I’ve moved past this and I figured that the rest of you guys did to. I don’t see the point in it anymore. But I guess I was wrong. it's really stupid. but of course it always comes back on me when stupid things like this happen.

li amerò sempre. says:

hey jilly

it's anything but ordinary says:

hey!!

li amerò sempre. says:

how are you

it's anything but ordinary says:

i'm good how are you?

li amerò sempre. says:

im alright

li amerò sempre. says:

kinda stressed

li amerò sempre. says:

very streessed

li amerò sempre. says:

DEpressed

li amerò sempre. says:

grrrr

li amerò sempre. says:

this is gay

it's anything but ordinary says:

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah

it's anything but ordinary says:

did you talk to himmm today?

li amerò sempre. says:

yeah

li amerò sempre. says:

peter you mean?

it's anything but ordinary says:

uh huh

li amerò sempre. says:

yeah

li amerò sempre. says:

i saw him

li amerò sempre. says:

for a little bit

it's anything but ordinary says:

how's everything going with that???

li amerò sempre. says:

fine

li amerò sempre. says:

but this sucks

li amerò sempre. says:

i cantr see him

li amerò sempre. says:

im so sad

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah i know

it's anything but ordinary says:

why did your dad all the sudden sit you down and tell you all that?

li amerò sempre. says:

i dont know

li amerò sempre. says:

i think its bc my mom told him things that she thinks

li amerò sempre. says:

and she has been crying

li amerò sempre. says:

thinks i sneak around

li amerò sempre. says:

and lie

li amerò sempre. says:

its just a bad situation

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah..

it's anything but ordinary says:

damn jackie, i'm really sorry, i wish i could help you out more...i wish that you didn't have to deal with this bullshit

it's anything but ordinary says:

cuz that's all it really is

li amerò sempre. says:

i know, thank you jill

li amerò sempre. says:

it means alot

li amerò sempre. says:

i just need to find a place to stay if im moving out

li amerò sempre. says:

cause it could very very possibly come to that

it's anything but ordinary says:

well you are more than welcomed to stay here

li amerò sempre. says:

thanks jilly

it's anything but ordinary says:

of course

li amerò sempre. says:

jilly i should tell you something but you have to swear not to tell anyone else that you found out from me

li amerò sempre. says:

PLEASE

it's anything but ordinary says:

ok

it's anything but ordinary says:

i promise

li amerò sempre. says:

well i know laurens password for her hotmail for some reason from like along time ago and i checked it one day and she had an email from steph and it said she is pretending to not write in her online diary anymore and she changed hers to another one

li amerò sempre. says:

i dont know if i should just tell you what it is or just tell you when so me thing bad is written

li amerò sempre. says:

i cant get on it bc it like wont work

li amerò sempre. says:

lauren doesnt talk to me anymore and the last time i talked to her i wasnt very nice bc she was talking to jen and erin about the last entry thing you wrote and how she said you switched your entry from like bad to good in like a day and i was like, well i think its pretty nice what she wrote dont you lauren? and she was just rude to me

li amerò sempre. says:

i was like having an attitude with her bc she had no right to like talk about stuff like that to anyone else, especially when she was like bashing you first of all on how petty she said you are and thats all she was being

it's anything but ordinary says:

hmmm....it seems if i even try to be nice i'm a bitch

it's anything but ordinary says:

funny how that works out

li amerò sempre. says:

yea

li amerò sempre. says:

im sick of her and her friends, they arent my friends anymore

li amerò sempre. says:

they are such hypocrits

it's anything but ordinary says:

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah

li amerò sempre. says:

and im sorry jill that i havent stepped in before

it's anything but ordinary says:

that really does hurt

it's anything but ordinary says:

it's ok

li amerò sempre. says:

im sorry jill

it's anything but ordinary says:

don't worry about it

li amerò sempre. says:

no but i do

li amerò sempre. says:

its so stressful just that they are so closed to everyone but themselves

li amerò sempre. says:

they just make me angry

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah

li amerò sempre. says:

im sorry jill

it's anything but ordinary says:

so lauren still thinks that i'm a bitch or whatever and she thinks all this bad stuff about me?

li amerò sempre. says:

no i dont know, this was like a week or a week and a half ago

li amerò sempre. says:

like the day after your awesome entry

li amerò sempre. says:

li amerò sempre. says:

she had nothing better than to talk about what she thought about it

li amerò sempre. says:

she is so depressing

li amerò sempre. says:

she is a waste of time sometimes jill

li amerò sempre. says:

its always about her

li amerò sempre. says:

please dont repeat any of this

li amerò sempre. says:

i know you wont

it's anything but ordinary says:

yeah it's very sad

li amerò sempre. says:

youre an actual good friend

it's anything but ordinary says:

it's anything but ordinary says:

of course not

li amerò sempre. says:

it makes me so mad jill

li amerò sempre. says:

i cant stand her

li amerò sempre. says:

all she does is talk crap

li amerò sempre. says:

about anything

it's anything but ordinary says:

is it ok if i tell jordan that stephanie has another online diary??

li amerò sempre. says:

and acts like she is in a bad mood all the time

li amerò sempre. says:

no no dont tell him that

li amerò sempre. says:

cause there would be no way anyone would find out unless they knew poeopls password

li amerò sempre. says:

i mean if he doesnt tell anyone

li amerò sempre. says:

or say anything

I think that it is time for everyone to stop bitching about everyone. Everyone here is guilty for something that has happened in all this. I’m definitely not innocent in all of this. Everything that happened was stupid and the way it happened and the way it ended. A lot of people’s feelings got hurt through all of this..and I think that EVERYONE can at least agree on one thing, it’s all stupid drama. We were all in high school and everyone talks shit about everyone behind everyone’s back. High school is meant for everyone to meet new people and have good friends. I feel that through everything that has happened we were all at some point good friends. But everyone was immature and shit hit the fan and everything went downhill from there. It’s actually very sad when you think about it. I know I had a great time with everyone at some point.

Lauren, you are a great person. I love ya like my sister. I am very sorry that I have hurt you! I wish that things could be different and that everything that was said could be taken back. We had the best time together! You will always be my best friend..even if we aren’t! I will always remember the good times that we had together and I’m forgetting all the bad times we had together.

Christina-I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry that I hurt you too. I didn’t do anything to you, but I hurt your friends and I know that I’m the same way about protecting my good friends. I hope that you don’t hate me.

Stephanie-I’m sorry for writing all that stuff about you. It wasn’t my place to say it, but you hurt me and I didn’t think it was fair that you could do what you did and I just had to sit there and take it. I think it’s stupid that we started hating each other. I wish we could just forget about it. I’m sorry about things that have happened. We did have A LOT of fun together. I was reminded of that tonight. Let’s let bygones be bygones and forget what we both said about each other because I know that both of us have hurt each other threw everything!

Gabe, I’m very sorry for everything. I know at one point we talked and we were cool again..i honestly don’t know why you hate me or even if you do. But I hope that we can work past this and be friends again. You are a great guy! I wish you nothing but the best in your life.

To everyone else that has been hurt throughout this whole thing, I am sorry. I think that this is all getting very ridiculous and childish and it needs to stop. And I’m willing to admit my mistakes and say sorry. I hope that you can all forgive me and move past this. I can’t take back what happened but I can apologize for it. I don’t know if any of you guys will be my friend again and I’m not asking that. It’s just time that we all put this bullshit behind us and grow up. I know that all of us had a lot of fun when we hung out. And I will always remember those times. I’m putting all the bad stuff that has happened behind me and thinking only of the good times that we had together. It’s not worth hating people over anymore. I’m not saying all this so that you guys will be my friends or to get sympathy or whatever…nothing like that. It’s just time to end it. I wish everyone the best of luck in their lives and I hope everyone finds happiness. I know I have. It’s just time to move on. I never wanted things to get this bad and I’m sorry they have.

Love,

Jillian

well, i decided to add at least one last blog. i just need to make some final comments before i stop reading everyone's blog. i've definitely changed and grew up from last year. hanging out with all of "those" people i was not really thinking. but everything that has happened lately is so childish and just to high school like. it's time to move on. all the people in that "group"...christina, stephanie, emily, matt. don't like me for the blogs i wrote. first of all, how is it fair is it that stephanie and everyone else for that matter can write shit about me that ISN'T true, but when i do it and tell the TRUTH it's bad. if you can't handle the truth don't read it. and like i give a flying fuck if you guys hate me!!! HAHA......that will be the day!

christina-no i haven't said anything about you...but you obivious can't kept your fucking big ass out of it so here...this is what i think about what you said in your blog...first this is what she put..

"im gonna head to bed but one last note. i dont know i jillian or jordan read this blog, but i want them to know how immature i think they are, and how much bullshit they create for their own enjoyment. i hate everything that is going on, and i hate that it has come to this. im not that violent of a person, and when i saw jillian walk into the basketball game last night, all i wanted to do was get up punch her in the face and tell her what a worthless bitch she is for what she has put my friends through. so what that she hasnt done anything to me, she has hurt the two people that i care about most, and thats enough to hurt me"

everyone is so much fucking talk...it's so fucking funny!! CHRISTINA bring it on!!! i would love for you to even attempt to come up to me and say anything...or even try to fucking punch me! you think i'm a worthless bitch....hmmmmm, it's funny how you wanted to hang out with me all the time and you called me crying when gabe was talking to you on msn and told you to "blow me bitch"....hahaha..your so called friends used to make fun of you all the time. the first time gabe wrote that to you he was at mike's and the 2nd time he was at stephanie's and they all laughed at you...but she's a good friend...hahaha. you think that we are immature or whatnot and that we "create" all this "bullshit" for our own enjoyment....it's not bullshit when it's all TRUE! and you think i'm immature because i'm defending myself?? right....

matt-you are one crazy ass. you are like a fucking loose cannon. it's funny how you came up to me at graduation and hugged me...but you talk SO much shit about me behind my back. you say shit about me that isn't true...and what the hell was with the comment about my dad?? bullshit!! that's what it was! you say that i was brought up wrong?? then what the hell does that say about your up bringing??? have you gone back and read your blog?? you're a pyscho!! you even say in your blog that you don't know everything that is going with me, jordan, stephanie, and gabe...yet you still say shit that isn't true! oh yeah, you said that you have no respect for me or jordan....oh big fucking lose in our lives!!

emily-you tell me to stop causing drama and to grow up....yet you are the one that is really starting it. you sit there and say shit that you don't know a damn thing about. you call jordan a pussy...yet who is the one that won't talk to him, don't really say anything back to him when he talks to you cuz you know what he says is true....and you are the one hiding behind your computer!! you want to just have everyone drop this or whatever...but you keep writing about it...so it is a problem! you said that you've never been mad at jordan or anything....who the fuck cares he's NEVER liked you.

stephanie-first of all, you should know that i didn't delete those blogs because you "threatened" to sue me!! that was one of the FUNNIEST emails i've ever gotten...thanks for the good laugh!!! my family thinks that stephanie is a dumb bitch. my sister said that if she can't take it she better not fucking dish it anymore! anyways, i only deleted those blogs because jordan's mom asked me to...and i didn't care anymore..they served their purpose.....besides the fact...they were all completely TRUE..i didn't lie once..you say i damaged your character or whatnot...no sweetie you did that on your own. it's funny that you sent me that email and deleted everything you wrote about me...to bad that i saved it all!! so if you were going to "sue" me, it won't matter...since what you wrote you wrote 1st and it was NOT true!! i still have the blog's i wrote and they can go back up and it's not a big deal to me at all. i still think that you are a dumb whore.

lauren-i'm not even sure what to say about her. i just think that it's funny that whenever she and i would talk or hang out she NEVER wrote about that in her blog. it's not a big deal to me at all..it just amused me. anyways, i don't hate lauren...i don't know, i don't really think that she and i will ever be friends again...she still stuck in that little group. maybe one day she will forget about everything and realized how stupid it was and how good of friends we used to be..but for now i don't really care anymore. i used to care a lot that lauren and i weren't friends. but whenever i see her, talk to her, hang out with her..it's different...she's changed and i've changed...but it's cool...i went back and read some of her earlier blogs when we started to not be friends...i think that some of the shit she said what bullshit about me...but it's in the past and i don't really care that much anymore. but i do wish lauren the best of luck with everything...who knows, maybe we are friends, maybe not....but that's up to her.

john-i still consider john to be one of my good friends. he was always there for me back in the day and he is really a great guy. him and lauren are really good together and i hope that they never break up! hopefully john and i will have a class together at the